I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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