He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
