i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My vagina just recognized that song.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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