haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
