Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
