I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
