I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
