I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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