She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
