This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
