He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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