Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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