I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
