I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
