My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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