just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
