When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
