also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
