well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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