Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
