so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I love you.
Bad choice
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
