cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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