and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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