ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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