when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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