Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
