Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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