69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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