I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize