A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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