Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
