Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
