I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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