my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
