I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
