Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
