he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
