he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
