Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
