Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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