some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
