I faked an abortion last night.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize