Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
