i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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