shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
