his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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