Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
