ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
