hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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