you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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