Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
