if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
