True but thats because hes a fetus.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my shit smells like andre
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize