Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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