look no pants
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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