Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So much Jack, so little girl.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
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