Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
