Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
