Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
