How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
